THOUGHTS

People reading my blogspot may think I’m feeling sorry for myself. I just have to laugh at this presumption on their part. I believe they are feeling sorry for themselves. They are not being shown to be the good, kind people they believe they are. What I’m doing, in the privacy of my home, by my blogging, is working out the feelings that were denied me by my family. I need to vent, rage, and do whatever I need to do to go thru the feelings, work thru my feelings before I can detach from them.
This is how I emotionally detach. I write, and write, and say whatever comes to mind. I do whatever I need to do to experience the feelings all the way thru. Then and only then will I be able to detach from them, then from the situations that caused me to feel that way.
I am processing what I’m feeling in such a way that I am getting in touch with my feelings. I am permitting myself to feel my feelings, something therapists, psychiatrists, and my family have denied me all my years of life. I am feeling for the first time in my life, without the “help” of drugs to numb me so I can handle my feelings better.
Drugs never helped me, they numbed me and made me dumb, but they never helped me experience and work thru my feelings. I had to take myself off these drugs, myself, before I could start to deal with my feelings. I was so emotionally suppressed I became severely depressed. The psychiatrists treated my severe depression with more drugs which only made me suicidal. When I was denied admission to the pysch hospital, I knew I had to do something about me and these drugs. I knew no doctor was going to help me. I was denied admission by a doctor when I went there for help. I did as taught, asked for help using the words I was taught by psychiatrists and it was a psych resident who told me I didn’t really want to be in the hospital. I was suicidal, I had a plan, I was so scared of myself I knew the only safe place for me was on a locked unit in a hospital. I stated this, and was denied admission.
I went home, so dejected and so hurt. I had done as taught, as berated and humiliated by my psychiatrists, and I was denied admission. I hated that night and survived on hate. I turned to the devil himself to get me thru that night. I hated with every ounce of my being, with every part of my soul. I filled my body with hatred and when I felt the death thoughts creeping up on me, I filled myself with more hate. I became so full of hate I died in spirit that night. I killed myself that night in such a way that a body survived, but my soul was destroyed.
How I returned, how I got my soul back, a patient labelled person walked me back thru my dark corriders of hate. If not for her, I would be still lost in the dark halls of hatred.
I do not feel sorry for myself, no, I’m processiing out my feelings of anger, rage and hate in the only way left to me, blogging.
I wrote Psych USA which I am publishing on my blogspot for all to see. I want people to know it’s Acorn who is talking, it’s a nut, an Acorn who wrote about her abuse, in such a way that I am freeing myself from hatred.
I pity those who don’t understand. I don’t ask for pity, I don’t look for pity, I don’t write for pity. All I ask is to be heard.