Never Grew Up

CHILD PARENTS
I believe we are all born with narcissistic tendencies. A baby is the center of her universe, everything revolves around the baby and her needs. A baby knows how to get those needs met, by throwing a temper tantrum, crying, screaming, she soon discovers people respond to her. As we grow up we outgrow and learn new ways of relating, new ways of getting our needs met.
Father wants attention and like a little child he will do anything to get his needs met. I believe he, like other narcissists, never grew up. I know he throws temper tantrums. I’ve seen father throw a chair across the kitchen because there wasn’t any orange juice in the refrigerator. He got what he wanted, mother saw to it that there was always orange juice in the refrigerator from then on. Mother turned her anger on me. I know her to appear very loving and caring, but her hurts are deeper and more harmful than father’s. I was constantly played with like the little doll she always wanted as a child. She dressed me up in clothes she made, she played with my hair, cutting it and curling it so I resembled Shirley Temple. I never told her how I was constantly laughed at and ridiculed for the way I dressed or how she made me wear my hair. I always wanted long hair but never was permitted. I was always told it was too much trouble for HER to take care of. I was her little dolly, to be cared for, never allowed to grow up but kept in a little girl state.
When I was first in a psych hospital I said to father I can’t be the daughter he wanted. I turned to mother and said nothing. Mother went home and scrubbed the kitchen. To this day she has no idea why I wanted to kill myself.
Iwas given everything they wanted as a child. I was taken to all the places they wanted to go as a child but never went. I was the child they never were. I was denied my own childhood, instead my parents relived the childhood they always wanted thru me. I was given toys father always wanted, I was given the clothes mother always wanted, I had my needs, wants and desires ignored because they knew better what I wanted, afterall they had lived thru childhood and knew better what a child wants or needs.
Father always wanted to learn to play the piano, so I was forced to learn how to play the piano. Mother loves to knit and sew, so I was forced to learn how to knit and sew, two activities I hate to this day. I used to resemble mother when I was a small girl, to the point I was often called little sallie. I hated the nickname and I hated dressing up like mother. I am often mistaken as her younger sister, even now people think we are sisters and not mother and daughter, a fact mother loves.
I am becoming my own person, a fact neither parents wants to admit or acknowledge. I am fighting to be my own person and not the person they want me to be. I am growing up and out of their control. I no longer need their approval or advice, two things they taught me I couldn’t do without. I am freeing myself from their dictatorial control. I am gaining more control over myself and my life and leaving my childhood behind. I am becoming an adult, I am growing and it’s showing.