All my intelligence and physical tests proved there was nothing wrong with me. My family obviously loved me so my psych blamed my suicidal depression on a chemical imbalance. Depression is anger turned inwards. I certainly was “mad”, mad enough to want to kill myself.
I was encouraged to talk about my family life, and I did. I told staff about my dictator worshipping father, a brother who was sent to juvenile hall for shoplifting. I talked about my brother and sister who hardly spoke to anyone except family members. I told them about my love for animals, the only beings I felt safe to love. I was told many times how well I had thought things out. The psych started me on stelazine which was supposed to help me get in touch with reality.
I was so depressed I was started on an anti-depressant, Elavil. I started to pace the floor and rocked when I sat. I started to have tremors in my hands. I became so agitated Mellaril was added to calm me. I was given Cogentin to prevent side effects such as restlessness or tremors. I’ve been forced to take these psych drugs for over 37 years. I realize I am now a drug addict. My body needs these drugs in order to function properly. Without it’s daily fix, my body goes into withdrawal. I’m in constant pain and now have a movement disorder. I cough all the time and suffer heart pain. I was started on psych drugs because I was mad at people. I am told by people how mad they will become if I stopped taking psych drugs. I was mad when I started taking psych drugs, grew madder on these psych drugs, will be happy when I’m off these psych drugs. Why should I keep taking psych drugs if other people will be mad if I don’t?
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
A QUESTION
He wasn’t wanted in his first home and found a foster home with a member of a rescue bird organization. I watched a group of people work together so this 51 year old Military Macaw could be rehomed.
First a woman did an intensive home check. A new member offered to bring the bird and cage from the foster home to meet another member who would then transport the bird and cage to the new home. It was agreed, Thursday would be the day to make this happen, and it did.
A lot of people did many simple acts of kindness so an unwanted bird could find a new home. If a group of volunteers can show such care and concern for an unwanted bird, why can't we all show the same care and concern for those less fortunate?
First a woman did an intensive home check. A new member offered to bring the bird and cage from the foster home to meet another member who would then transport the bird and cage to the new home. It was agreed, Thursday would be the day to make this happen, and it did.
A lot of people did many simple acts of kindness so an unwanted bird could find a new home. If a group of volunteers can show such care and concern for an unwanted bird, why can't we all show the same care and concern for those less fortunate?
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Strength of One
I can expect no help from anyone in the psychiatric community. No one is willing to write a letter attesting to my present mental health. I know that would require them to take a stance against the psychiatrists in the city where I live. Asking someone in psych to declare me sane is like asking to be given a piece of heaven on earth.
I was made and kept ill by psychiatric drugs and psychiatric treatments. I had to distance myself from psychiatry before I could get better. I found a group of people who not only believed in me, but also believed me. I was driven to the brink of suicide many times all because psychs did not believe me or my reactions to these psych drugs. I was put on lexapro and that was the first and only time I had a suicide plan and was going to follow thru. I got myself to the er where the psych resident refused to admit me. I was told if I was still feeling the same way the next day I was to return and he would be more than happy to admit me. Such blatant disregard and obvious disbelief almost cost me my life that night. I was told many times I needed to take these drugs for the rest of my life in order to have any hope of a life. I was told I needed to be forever under the care of a psychiatrist. I quit the psychiatrist. I have found three volunteer jobs and doing well in all three. I am on the least amount of psych drugs and my thinking is becoming clearer, more focused, and my ability to reason is returning. I can get no one in psych willing to risk and write a letter stating my present mental health.
I was made and kept ill by psychiatric drugs and psychiatric treatments. I had to distance myself from psychiatry before I could get better. I found a group of people who not only believed in me, but also believed me. I was driven to the brink of suicide many times all because psychs did not believe me or my reactions to these psych drugs. I was put on lexapro and that was the first and only time I had a suicide plan and was going to follow thru. I got myself to the er where the psych resident refused to admit me. I was told if I was still feeling the same way the next day I was to return and he would be more than happy to admit me. Such blatant disregard and obvious disbelief almost cost me my life that night. I was told many times I needed to take these drugs for the rest of my life in order to have any hope of a life. I was told I needed to be forever under the care of a psychiatrist. I quit the psychiatrist. I have found three volunteer jobs and doing well in all three. I am on the least amount of psych drugs and my thinking is becoming clearer, more focused, and my ability to reason is returning. I can get no one in psych willing to risk and write a letter stating my present mental health.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Monkey See, Monkey Do
The damage done to me by my original psych’s diagnosis of me was expanded and compounded by my other psychs who chose to follow their training and believe the first psych and not believe what their assessment of me told them.
I was wrongly diagnosed Delusional by my first psych. I kept being treated for my obvious delusional state by all other psychs. I never got better, constantly grew worse despite all the talk therapy and all the drugs I was given. The more I had my talk redirected, the more I tried to talk about my “delusions”. The more drugs I was given to stop my delusional state, the more “deluded” I became. I was blamed for not getting better despite all psychiatry’s efforts to help me.
I worked hard in talk therapy and became steadily worse. I constantly was ridiculed for my “stories”. The harm done to me by the original psych follows me where ever I go. I sought help from a survivor’s agency but they too chose to believe me delusional. Healing came for me from another survivor who not only believes me but also saw the mistakes made in my treatment was due to psychs choosing to follow the first psych’s mistake. I can try to change people’s minds about me, but until people learn to trust and believe in their assessment of me, no one will believe a word I say. I am horribly damaged because of a mistake made by my first psych. I suffer from an insane game of Monkey See, Monkey Do. When one is wrong and all perpetuate his wrongness, the damage done to me is unbelievable.
I was wrongly diagnosed Delusional by my first psych. I kept being treated for my obvious delusional state by all other psychs. I never got better, constantly grew worse despite all the talk therapy and all the drugs I was given. The more I had my talk redirected, the more I tried to talk about my “delusions”. The more drugs I was given to stop my delusional state, the more “deluded” I became. I was blamed for not getting better despite all psychiatry’s efforts to help me.
I worked hard in talk therapy and became steadily worse. I constantly was ridiculed for my “stories”. The harm done to me by the original psych follows me where ever I go. I sought help from a survivor’s agency but they too chose to believe me delusional. Healing came for me from another survivor who not only believes me but also saw the mistakes made in my treatment was due to psychs choosing to follow the first psych’s mistake. I can try to change people’s minds about me, but until people learn to trust and believe in their assessment of me, no one will believe a word I say. I am horribly damaged because of a mistake made by my first psych. I suffer from an insane game of Monkey See, Monkey Do. When one is wrong and all perpetuate his wrongness, the damage done to me is unbelievable.
Feel Like Me
I’ve been told so many times by doctors how hard it is for them to keep me, a mentally ill patient on my psych drugs.
I’ve told doctors why I want to stop my psych drugs. Doctors tell me I need these drugs because they’re afraid I’ll get sick again. Gee doctor, why don’t you start on an anti-psychotic if you can’t control your fears. I hope you take them long enough so you’ll start to feel agitated inside and unable to sit still,. Then when you have start to have difficulty sleeping, start to take an anti-depressant. When you are unable to understand simple directions or remember people’s names start on another anti-psychotic which might help the first anti-psychotic work better. Better start a drug called cogentin to counter any side effects you may have. If you continue to shake and drool, up your dose of either anti-psychotic and your shaking and drooling will stop. If it continues, up your dose even more until the shaking and drooling stops. If you still can think clearly to make the connection all you’re experiencing is the same symptoms I’ve been coming to you and complaining about for years now. Maybe you’ll take me seriously and won’t dismiss me as just some mentally ill woman seeking attention.
I’ve told doctors why I want to stop my psych drugs. Doctors tell me I need these drugs because they’re afraid I’ll get sick again. Gee doctor, why don’t you start on an anti-psychotic if you can’t control your fears. I hope you take them long enough so you’ll start to feel agitated inside and unable to sit still,. Then when you have start to have difficulty sleeping, start to take an anti-depressant. When you are unable to understand simple directions or remember people’s names start on another anti-psychotic which might help the first anti-psychotic work better. Better start a drug called cogentin to counter any side effects you may have. If you continue to shake and drool, up your dose of either anti-psychotic and your shaking and drooling will stop. If it continues, up your dose even more until the shaking and drooling stops. If you still can think clearly to make the connection all you’re experiencing is the same symptoms I’ve been coming to you and complaining about for years now. Maybe you’ll take me seriously and won’t dismiss me as just some mentally ill woman seeking attention.
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