Look Past the Name and Seet the Person

The doctor took one look at me and told my parents, this baby is delusional. I never knew how he came to that conclusion, but since he pronounced me delusional since birth, that became my designated name.
I was a dreamer, always was and always will be. I started to have dreams of a better life, of a family who loved and cherished me. I felt unloved and unwanted by my birth family. I made up a pretend family who would come and take me away and I’d be happy with my real family.
I told this to one of the psych staff at the hospital I was in and that only proved I was appropriately named Delusional. I then started to have dreams of helping others, of setting up a coffee house where us patients could come and meet and be safe. I was asked what I meant by the word “safe” what did I believe patients needed to be safe from? I proved again I was appropriately named Delusional.
I go from doctor to doctor seeking help, but when I write my name Delusional, I’m turned away with the usual, everything you’re experiencing is in your head, a psychiatrist is the one you really should be seeing as they are best trained to treat people like you.
No one can see the person, all they see is the name Delusional on the piece of paper and I’m prejudged accordingly. I have seen many doctors and not one can see past the name to the person.
The original doctor didn’t either. He never saw the baby, all he saw was delusions. His mistake has affected all my treatment for all of my life.

A LESSON LEARNED

Being aware
It’s all fine and good that I no longer take responsibility or feel responsible for how another acts or reacts to an action of mine. I thought that was all there was to this, not being responsible for others but only being responsible for myself. I realized I need to be aware of how my actions may affect others. I need to take into account what I know of that person, their background. In this way I can modify my actions so that I can act more responsibly.
It’s a matter of showing kindness, empathy, and consideration for that person and their experiences. I am not being responsible for that person, I am considering and respecting who they are and how they may feel. I still have the freedom to act as I feel is right, for me, but also, for them. I can control and modify my behavior so as not to deliberately offend or make the other defensive and behave in an offensive manner towards me.
I realize I need to modify my behavior and consider each and every person I’m interacting with. I cannot control how another person reacts to me, I can only be aware of myself and how I may affect others.
For example, swearing. Some people take offense at certain words, but others words are acceptable. It’s for me to respect how that other person feels about certain words and avoid using those words when I’m with them. I show respect for that person.
Respect for all living things is what my life is about. I show respect by actions, words, and deeds, not only for myself but also for others. I will not degrade myself or others, and if others should feel degraded or take offense by what I say, I will not dismiss it as just their problem, it’s both our problem. I realize something I did caused the other to feel offended, it’s up to me to identify the problem and find a way around it so the next time a similar situation arises, the same reaction won’t occur.

My Life

I’ve wasted so much time thinking and wondering why I was alive when I should have been thinking how I can make my life be meaning filled . I want to do random acts of kindness. I want to bring a smile to people’s faces. I want to share the joy I find in living with others. I have survived a life filled with abuse. Many bad things have been done to me. I can see a way out of the badness by bringing goodness to others. I want to dedicate my life to help empower others so if they chose, they can empower others. I want to give strength to people who have been abused so they will speak out and tell their stories of abuse I want the abusers to be exposed and how they abuse revealed. Help will be available to abuse victims once the secrets are known by those trained to help victims of abuse.

Time to Make Dreams Come True

I’ve written and talked about how I want things to change for me, it’s time I DO something to make changes happen for me. The way to undo the harm that has been done to me is by doing good deeds. Working at the food pantry and giving out food to needy people is a step. Volunteering myself as a computer person is another.
I’m tired of waiting for people to help me change. I am the only one who can make things change for me. I only had to look inwards and I found the strength I needed to make changes happen.
I comforted and healed my hurt and angry child. I have reconnected with my Spirit and found peace and an inner strength I never knew I had. I am doing things to make changes happen for me. I no longer sit and dream of a day when things have changed for me but am actively doing things to make my dreams come true.
I have been alone too long. I have learned it’s not that bad to make a mistake. I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made but most of all I don’t obsess about a mistake anymore. I have learned much, it’s time to go out and apply my knowledge and make it work.
I feared the unknown because I thought I was alone. I am not alone and never will be alone ever again. I have reintegrated with my child within and have connected with my Spirit that lies within. I have nurtured and calmed the angry child and I can feel the peace of my inner Spirit. I have changed so much inside, it’s time I changed how I live.

Variations on a Theme

A MUSCIAL FUGUE
In the beginning there was the original Song of Life. I became aware of this Song one day when I touched that which is the Essence of the Universe. I could hear singers singing their Song of Life. I mentioned to a friend about hearing this fugue. I was misunderstood and mistakenly believed to be suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder.
I became aware of myself in relation to the Universe and started to sing my Song of Life with others. I learned to sing in harmony, listening and blending my song with theirs.
I am whole and one with All. I have joined my voice with others who have found themselves and have become aware of themselves in relationship to the Universe. As others become aware of themselves they too will add their Song of Life and we all sing in harmony.
Harmonizing and blending, the song is sung in full cooperation with each other. Each song is unique, filled with the tears and joys of our lives. We join our voices to blend as one, yet we each have our own voice, singing our own song. Our Songs blend together, all variations on a theme, the original Song of Life.

Why Are Psychiatrists m.d.'s?

Why are Psychiatrists considered medical doctors when all the medicine they practice is prescribing psychiatric drugs? Beyond the initial physical exam when entering the hospital, these doctors write out the prescription for me to take and it’s the nursing staff’s responsibility to see that I take what I need per doctor’s orders.
These psychiatrists have everyone, even their fellow medical doctors, all specialists in different diseases of the BODY, convinced that they, the psychiatrists, are the ONLY ones who are knowledgeable about these psych drugs. After all, they took special training and courses and keep updated on these drugs, proof they are truly the only ones qualified to prescribe, regulate and monitor these special medications.
I ask everyone, why, at the first signs of a drug reaction, like hives, why am I sent to a medical doctor to rule out a medical condition, and when the hives are not an allergic reaction to a physical allergy, then why are my hives considered a psychogenic reaction so my dose of the psych drug increased to treat my hives? And, why do the hives disappear for awhile but come back and be treated again with a higher dosage, and so the merry-go-round continues until I’m switched to another drug that doesn’t give me hives but another reaction occurs and here I go again, back to a medical who is getting resentful of my using up her time with these psychogenic reactions when she has real patients with real diseases to treat. So I get told, bad news, your blood test is negative. So back I go to my psychiatrist to be re-evaluated for a hidden mental illness or a deep seated psychic disturbance.
I was hospitalized because I couldn’t urinate or move my legs and had difficulty swallowing. The medicals couldn’t find anything wrong with me. The physical therapist who came to evaluate me asked the nurse what was wrong with me. The nurse said the doctors don’t know. The physical therapist said, psych consult.
The nurses kept calling the ward chief about me, at all hours of the day and night. The other residents and attendings were frustrated with me because they could come up with no reason why I should be having trouble swallowing and walking. They all were very angry at me and as a result, I was sent to the psych unit for evaluation as everything physical had been ruled out.
They were right to be resentful and angry and I did belong in the psych unit because I was having a reaction to an atypical which only psychiatrists are qualified to deal with as they are specially trained to be the only ones who can identify and treat these mysterious drug reactions, as they keep reminding everyone. So why were the nurses calling the ward chief? Why weren’t they calling my psychiatrist? And where was my psychiatrist anyway?
All these psych drugs are still too new. Not even the psychiatrists themselves can claim they know all the potential side effects. So when I have a reaction that isn’t classified yet, why am I instantly accused of faking it? Of having a psychogenic reaction? Why would I want to put myself back under the care of a psychiatrist when it’s psychiatrists who thru their neglect and lack of attention and lack of caring has left me a body that is so damaged almost beyond repair.