My family was very upset with me because I made a decision concerning my health care without consulting them. I never asked them for advice concerning a biopsy on my vocal cord but had made an agreement with the ENT to postpone the biopsy. My medication management psychiatrist was frustrated with as I kept refusing to transfer all my care to him. I’m not sure how or what my psychotherapist thought of me, all I know the therapist was frustrated with me too.
I woke up in a psych hospital with scabs on both sides of my head. I asked the staff if I had been given ECT and all I was told was to let the scabs fall off naturally. After I was discharged I received the insurance report stating I had been at another hospital before being transferred to the psych hospital I woke up in. I asked my parents why I was at the other hospital and they told me I never was there. I also asked my parents if the psychs had given me ECT. I was reassured there was no way the parents would permit ECT to be performed on me.
I went back in my insurance records and discovered I had been at that other hospital twice before. A friend told me ECT is done at that hospital. All the family needs to do is get a court order. I’m sure the therapist I was seeing once a week was consulted to see if ECT was needed. My psychiatrist must have been consulted too. A lot of people went thru much trouble to hide the fact I was at the other hospital, but insurance records don’t lie.
There is nothing I can do except accept the fact ECT was given to me per my family’s request. I felt so helpless, so powerless, so confused by everyone being evasive and not directly answering my questions. When I found out the other hospital does administer ECT, a deep feeling of sadness overcame me.
I realized a lot of people tried to help me. I know they meant well but if they were made aware of all the consequences of their actions will they change? I doubt it. I am a labeled person and what I say is dismissed as signs of my disease reemerging.
I don’t know why my family ordered the psychs to give me ECT. I only know whenever I showed any signs of independence my family saw to it I would become even more dependent upon them.
It took three separate hospitalizations, all done in secrecy, to make me so unemotional. As much as the family and various doctors provoke me, I do not react. I know people are not happy with the results. I have been told by my mother how much she wants the person I was back again.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Therapy
I am so tired of therapy that I quit, in total disgust. I wanted to talk about my present problems but the therapist wanted me to talk about what happened in my past that was similar to the present. I went back and started to talk about my past only to constantly have what I was saying redirected. I got so sick and tired of taking the blame for psychiatry’s failure to help me that I quit.
I would tell the therapist how angry I was and wanted to discuss what the therapist did that made me angry. I would become angrier when therapist after therapist denied doing anything that would make me angry and tell me I was really angry at something or someone in my past. I would say, no I’m angry at you and what you said. The therapist’s usual reply was, something happened in your past so let’s discuss what happened in your past then you can deal with why you’re angry now. I would insist what the therapist did made me angry and the therapist would pull out the prescription pad and tell me how much I needed an increase in my drugs as I was out of control of my anger.
Therapy didn’t make sense to me until I made sense of therapy. I realized therapists thought I was delusional which was why I was never believed. I found someone who did believe me and that’s how my Journey to Wellness started.
I would tell the therapist how angry I was and wanted to discuss what the therapist did that made me angry. I would become angrier when therapist after therapist denied doing anything that would make me angry and tell me I was really angry at something or someone in my past. I would say, no I’m angry at you and what you said. The therapist’s usual reply was, something happened in your past so let’s discuss what happened in your past then you can deal with why you’re angry now. I would insist what the therapist did made me angry and the therapist would pull out the prescription pad and tell me how much I needed an increase in my drugs as I was out of control of my anger.
Therapy didn’t make sense to me until I made sense of therapy. I realized therapists thought I was delusional which was why I was never believed. I found someone who did believe me and that’s how my Journey to Wellness started.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Therapy
People enter therapy for many different reasons. Most see a need to change and look towards their therapist to teach them, show them what and how to change. These people get easily frustrated in therapy. No therapist, unless they are very controlling, will sit and tell a patient what to change. However most therapists will sit and tell a patient how to change.
This is my experience in therapy. I did not enter therapy willingly, I was more or less forced into therapy. A person forced to be in therapy resists therapy in subtle ways. I certainly did. I showed that resistance by being offensive, demanding, and totally uncooperative. That worked against me and I was finally told my behavior was so offensive I suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder.
People who are forced into therapy do become offensive. Trying to work with such people is a heartless and often distressing job. I became even more offensive when I was given the label Borderline only proving my therapist right. I left therapy and spent a year discovering myself and making changes. I re-entered therapy willingly. I am not obnoxious, offensive, or demanding. I cooperate, listen without interrupting, smile and laugh, just a totally different patient because I am a willing patient.
Attitude made a difference in me, but so did the therapist. I’ve discovered just as people are different, so are therapists. Afterall therapists are really people too.
Therapy with a willing patient is far easier than therapy with someone forced. But the difference I’m finding is in the therapist themselves. Finding someone who is not controlling, demanding, or manipulative makes the difference for me.
This is my experience in therapy. I did not enter therapy willingly, I was more or less forced into therapy. A person forced to be in therapy resists therapy in subtle ways. I certainly did. I showed that resistance by being offensive, demanding, and totally uncooperative. That worked against me and I was finally told my behavior was so offensive I suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder.
People who are forced into therapy do become offensive. Trying to work with such people is a heartless and often distressing job. I became even more offensive when I was given the label Borderline only proving my therapist right. I left therapy and spent a year discovering myself and making changes. I re-entered therapy willingly. I am not obnoxious, offensive, or demanding. I cooperate, listen without interrupting, smile and laugh, just a totally different patient because I am a willing patient.
Attitude made a difference in me, but so did the therapist. I’ve discovered just as people are different, so are therapists. Afterall therapists are really people too.
Therapy with a willing patient is far easier than therapy with someone forced. But the difference I’m finding is in the therapist themselves. Finding someone who is not controlling, demanding, or manipulative makes the difference for me.
Babies and Psychiatrists
MANIPULATION
Everyone manipulates to some degree or other. There is nothing inherently wrong in manipulating others. Basically I manipulate to get my needs met. The ways I manipulate, that’s what I need to work on. I’ve learned it’s better to ask a person what I want, to give that person a choice.
I am recognizing the ways I manipulate people. I can’t say I will give up manipulating, I learned this behavior when I was a baby.
A baby is the master manipulator of all time. I coundn’t speak but I did cry, I didn’t know what I wanted and left it up to my parents to figure out what I needed. As I grew up and learned about myself, learned how hungry felt, learned how cold felt, learned to talk, I was able to ask to be fed, clothed, have my needs met. My parents taught me how to communicate my wants and needs, but some of the ways they taught me are not acceptable in society.
I can’t really blame them. I started school and was exposed to different, better ways of asking how to get my needs met. However, when I brought these new ways home, they were rejected and the old ways became ingrained.
I entered psychiatry. Doctors, psyciatrists in particular, are the grandest of all manipulators of all times, second only to babies. They are worse than babies in that they deny any manipulative behavior. They hide their manipulations behind the excuse, It’s for the patient’s own good. They determine, enforce, and make the person change with drugs, different programs, and worse, with their damaging labels.
Manipulating is a basic human behavior. I can’t really say it’s good, but I can say it is bad when a group of people use this behavior to denigrate, humiliate, control, set apart with the label Borderline another group of people because they, psychiatrists. do not like the ways their patients behave.
Everyone manipulates to some degree or other. There is nothing inherently wrong in manipulating others. Basically I manipulate to get my needs met. The ways I manipulate, that’s what I need to work on. I’ve learned it’s better to ask a person what I want, to give that person a choice.
I am recognizing the ways I manipulate people. I can’t say I will give up manipulating, I learned this behavior when I was a baby.
A baby is the master manipulator of all time. I coundn’t speak but I did cry, I didn’t know what I wanted and left it up to my parents to figure out what I needed. As I grew up and learned about myself, learned how hungry felt, learned how cold felt, learned to talk, I was able to ask to be fed, clothed, have my needs met. My parents taught me how to communicate my wants and needs, but some of the ways they taught me are not acceptable in society.
I can’t really blame them. I started school and was exposed to different, better ways of asking how to get my needs met. However, when I brought these new ways home, they were rejected and the old ways became ingrained.
I entered psychiatry. Doctors, psyciatrists in particular, are the grandest of all manipulators of all times, second only to babies. They are worse than babies in that they deny any manipulative behavior. They hide their manipulations behind the excuse, It’s for the patient’s own good. They determine, enforce, and make the person change with drugs, different programs, and worse, with their damaging labels.
Manipulating is a basic human behavior. I can’t really say it’s good, but I can say it is bad when a group of people use this behavior to denigrate, humiliate, control, set apart with the label Borderline another group of people because they, psychiatrists. do not like the ways their patients behave.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
What Makes Me So Different?
I’ve been thinking, if I treat my ns like they treat me but am so different when I’m with others, what makes me different from my ns? The fact that I know better? I know my nfamily knows better too, so what really makes me different from them?
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